Well hello there! It has been more than two years since my last
post, and a LOT has happened. Since February 2013 I have changed jobs three
times, had a second child, run a whole bunch (on and off with the pregnancy),
and pretty much just loved life. No time to fill you in on all of the above,
although I will say that Maddie is now 3, Phelps is 1, and they are the two
most incredible kids in the whole world. I am obviously biased as their mom,
and I'm okay with that.
A few weeks ago I formally resigned from the bank in order to have
more time with the kiddos. I am the type of person that needs some form of work
outside of taking care of the kids, and I also believe in the benefits of
daycare, but lately felt as though I lost the balance between the two. A friend
of mine that works as the CFO in a privately held business offered me a part
time job on the finance side of things, and I've accepted. Today, for the first
time in 9 years, I am not a banker. I am actually not anything right now because
I don't start the new part time position until next week ... which brings me to
my question in the title of this post ... Who Am I?
The kids are currently in day care, Jason is at work, it is almost
noon and I am at home with absolutely no responsibilities. Don't get me wrong,
my to-do list of put off projects from the past few months (years in some
cases) is about a mile long, I also plan to make dinner, pick up the kids
early, buy Maddie a new swim suit, you get the idea - but there is not anything
that I absolutely MUST do by close of business today, or tomorrow, or next week
for that matter. I've already gone running, showered, drank my coffee,
and walked the dog; now I'm getting ready to leave the house and go into public
for the first time and I got stuck in my closet.
This will sound so silly to some of you, but I don't know what to
wear! I have plenty of clothes, but for nine years I have had "work
clothes" "running clothes" "church clothes" and
"weekend clothes". I LOVED getting dressed up for work. I love
work dresses, I love skirts, I love suits, I love the way I feel when I arrive
at work for a big meeting and not only am I prepared, but I LOOK prepared.
When in college I took the phrase "dress well test well" to
heart, and do believe that when you feel good about yourself, you are more
likely to succeed.
So now what? Am I the type to put on make-up, do my hair, and don
a cute outfit even though I won't see anyone I know today? Do I put on another
running outfit because I have so many, even though I've already run and
showered so the goal is to not break into sweat again? Am I a yoga pants and
cute workout shirt mom? I just don't know! Obviously I'll figure out what
to wear, but this thought process begs the deeper questions of who I am now that
my identity as a banker is no more? While I always swore my career would not
define me, that I wanted to work in order to live and not the other way around,
my job was where I spent the vast majority of my waking hours.
My largest obstacle with this change will be finding purpose and
meaning in my new set up. Spending more time with our children (I am hoping)
will be so rewarding, and I know that they will benefit from it as well; but I
have a lot of self-induced guilt from not providing as much financially anymore.
I worry that I am “wasting” my talent in the corporate world and will miss
it. I struggle with what my working mom
friends will think of me, and I fear that they will feel judged by me since
they are continuing to work and I’m charting a new course. Other working moms are how I made it this far;
and I don’t want to lose them as friends. There is an unspoken connection between
working moms (most anyways) because they know when you get the “sick kid” phone
call the hoops you will now have to jump through to take care of your child
without wrecking your career in the process by missing one more day
un-expectantly. Working moms know the
delicate dance between two working spouses, the mutual respect required of each
other’s career in tandem with the selfish desire to put yourself first just
this once and to ask your spouse to take care of the kids this time. My working mom friends know all too well the
guilt of wondering if you really are making the right choice to keep pushing
just one more year. Wondering, am I
showing my daughter the importance of working for what you believe in, am I
instilling in her the belief that she too can conquer whatever she sets her
mind to. Am I showing my son that women are intelligent and capable too; that
it is okay and commendable if his wife wants to work, stay home, or something
in between.
On the flip side I worry that I won’t fit in with the stay at home
moms that I am now attempting to befriend. Will I come across as arrogant if I
reference my old job? Do they judge me for sort of quitting the corporate
world, but not taking the full plunge because I’ll still be working part time
and have my kids in day care? Do they
view me as incompetent when my kids both start crying at once on our first
outing with other moms and I drop my diaper bag while simultaneously knocking
over the stroller because both babies want to be held at once? (yes – this
happened)
When people ask what I’m doing now, I find myself immediately
starting to defend and explain myself instead of just answering their question.
Like with any important endeavor in life, finding the answer to who I am will
take time, I know that I need to rein myself in and stop rushing to figure it
out.
Oh, and in case you are wondering – I ended up in khaki cargo
shorts, flip flops, and a shirt from a recent race I ran in. I’ll save the
“cute” outfits for a play date.
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| At Tweetsie for the first time, so fun! |
