It has been over a month since my last post, and I have learned a lot. One of the things I learned is that I am bad at blogging when I am not running. You see, I think while I run. Thinking is a poor choice of words, I can obviously think when not running, I should say that I reflect when I run. I ponder life and why the world is the way it is. Seriously. When is the last time you stopped and just let your mind go wherever it wants to? I used to do it all the time. Running is simple: left, right, left, right, breath, repeat; the rest of your mind is free to solve the world’s problems. I am aware that sometimes the very act of running takes all of ones concentration and effort for even one mile, but after some time and practice it becomes second nature, and the next thing you know … you’re addicted to it. Before I expand on what else I have learned, let me fill you in on the last month:
I stuck to my plan of taking more time off and following up at the doctor’s office and cannot say I am too surprised by the outcome. By the time I stopped procrastinating, scheduled the appointment, and met with Dr. Ellington it had been a full month since my last run. Not sure why I hadn’t put two and two together, but sometimes we deny the obvious if we don’t like what it implies. It has been 6 months since I first realized that something more than shin splints was causing the pain in my leg, I have followed all prescribed treatments perfectly (I do love rules!), but my leg still hurts. I had convinced myself that I was just sore in that area of my bone, or that maybe I was almost better … this was not that case. He pushed on the sore spot with his thumb to gauge my progress and I about fell off the table in pain. We were both surprised by this reaction, and I could tell by the look on his face that he was concerned. He asked me if there had ever been a point over the last 6 months where I was 100% pain free, I said no … more worried looks on his end. After some thought he gave me his conclusion: my bone is not mending itself. At first the magnitude of this did not hit me. Obviously it is not healing, it still hurts! Then I realized he meant that my bone has not healed at all, at least not even close to the way it should have, then I started to panic.
What does this imply about my future as a runner? What does this mean about my future as a person? Will I have osteoporosis? Will I ever heal? Why is my body not fixing itself the way everyone else’s does? All of these thoughts were running through my mind at once (at least my mind is running!), fortunately Dr. Ellington spoke up quickly enough to keep me from wandering farther down the “what if, and how come” road. He said that cases like mine are not unheard of, they are unusual, but can be treated. He went on to prescribe me a machine called a bone stimulator: It is basically a miniature ultrasound machine that I hook up to my leg in order to target my bone with ultrasound waves. These waves stimulate cell turnover, which means it brings the red blood cells to that area which carry things (osteoblasts and osteoclasts) that build up and tear down bone cells in order to make them stronger. Apparently our bones are constantly in a state of being torn down, then built back up, and that my body is doing this at an extremely slow rate. The stimulator should speed things up in there, hopefully getting me to the point of recovery. That is what I took away from the conversation anyways, for those of you out there who know more about this than me (and I admittedly know very little about this) I apologize if I totally botched that description!
Which brings us all up to date. I am using the bone stimulator twice a day for 20 minutes, and I am still not running. As summer turns to fall bringing in fresh, crisp weather and beautiful autumn colors I inevitably miss running even more than before.
Running was my time. Sometimes I ran with friends, fellow runners chasing after similar goals, people who understand and share my passion. The random strangers that I have met mid-marathon, who turned into friends by the end are some of my most treasured relationships, even though I have never seen them since. Sometimes I ran with Jason or my Mom biking along next to me, I cannot explain what a blessing it is to have family that is just as excited for and proud of me, as I am for myself. How awesome is it to feel the support of my family as they are literally side by side with me through my ups and downs. We are out there to exercise, but those miles alone with them are the times we really open up and talk. Other times I ran alone with nothing but my own thoughts for hours. Often, on the longer runs, I felt my Dad’s presence and could sometimes hear his voice guiding me. I really miss my time with him.
You know what I haven’t missed? Competition. Don’t get me wrong, I’m itching to get back to races, and I will, but that is not what I crave when I see other runners out there enjoying my favorite running loops during the best time of year. God didn’t give me the ability to run so I can beat people, and he didn’t take it away to make me feel sorry for myslf. God gave me these things to teach me how to appreciate life, and the beautiful friendships I have been blessed with.
Based on these realizations, I have made a decision. When I am able to run again, I want to run at least one race per year for someone else. I want to help pace someone else, or lead a pace group, through a race. It can be a 5K, Marathon , or anything in between, but my goal will be to help them meet their goal.
I got carried away with myself last year and forgot to appreciate the gift I have been given. I do not believe that God micro-manages all of our lives on a daily basis. I do not believe that good and bad things happen specifically to teach people a lesson, but I believe that they can. As much as I would love to say “ok, lesson learned” I think it is foolish for me to think I know what the lesson being taught is, therefore who am I to say that I learned it? I am learning though, so even if my bones aren’t healing, I am.
